How to overcome limiting beliefs

Full Transcript

 

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Welcome to the Good Business Podcast. My name is Chris Edwards and I believe that businesses should be good for people, planet, and the profit line. It’s called the triple bottom line. 

 

I’m on a mission to find the greatest minds, inspiring entrepreneurs, change makers, and experts to teach you and me on how to create a good business. So it’s Mental Health Awareness Month and I personally think mental health doesn’t get enough airtime and we should have mental health every month, particularly as entrepreneurs. I think it can be very, very tough on your mental health to be an entrepreneur. 

 

And I also think there’s a lot of things like limiting beliefs that as an entrepreneur you really need to dig deep and understand really clearly to help you get through and to make sure that you’re not limiting your success. I’m really excited to bring you a special guest today, Sonia Samtani. She’s a speaker, author, therapist, and award-winning entrepreneur, and founder of the Wellness Facility all about Centre in Hong Kong. 

 

Sonia and I sit down and we’ve had a lovely chat that’s, I suppose, all around a topic that’s under-considered and under-explored and one that’s very close to my heart and that is limiting beliefs and how they can impact us and really, how do we overcome them? So let’s get into it. Hey, Sonia, thank you for joining me on the pod today. We want to talk today really about limiting beliefs and how to overcome them. 

 

It’s a very common problem, I think, that entrepreneurs have. So let’s kick off with what are limiting beliefs and how do you know if you have limiting beliefs? Thank you so much for inviting me to be here, Chris. It’s a pleasure to be here and that’s one of my favourite topics, limiting beliefs. 

 

So to make things simple, a belief is any statement that you believe to be true and a limiting belief is a statement that you believe to be true that limits your value or limits your potential and it would normally be a

flavour of I’m not good enough, which is essentially I’m not enough and just like ice cream flavours, there are so many flavours of I’m not good enough, right? And it could be I’m not important enough, I’m not beautiful enough, I’m not smart enough, I am not capable enough, I am not a part of your group. So there’s some form of I’m not enough that limits you. Okay, great. 

 

That’s really simple and I love the fact that you’ve summarised it to being a flavour of I’m not enough. How do you know when it’s a limiting belief versus it’s actually you don’t have the knowledge of skills? Like how do you know when it’s a real thing or whether it’s just a belief that’s untrue? Yeah, if it’s a limiting belief, it limits your value in some way. If it’s not a limiting belief and it’s the truth, it might be talking about a situation, it might be talking about a skill, I don’t have that skill yet, but I’m good enough and I don’t know how to do this, but you don’t feel like that means that you are not enough in some way. 

 

So when it becomes a limiting belief, your attention, your identity, your self-worth and your self-value to it, and otherwise it can still be something that you don’t know how to do, but it’s okay that you don’t know how to do it, you know, and I find that a lot of times people link confidence with competence and we’re so used to it, right? If I know how to do something well, I feel confident. If I don’t know how to do something well, I don’t feel confident and so now how can we ever learn something new? Because when we learn something, we immediately feel inadequate or not confident and true confidence is about feeling good enough even when you don’t know and then learning and feeling good enough on the journey. Do you think all entrepreneurs have limiting beliefs or are some people like immune to limiting beliefs because they have great self-confidence? You know, not only entrepreneurs, I think all humans have some sort of limiting beliefs and it’s to whatever extent it is. 

 

Like some will have a lot, some will have a few, but I have yet to meet someone that doesn’t have a limiting belief because if you have a critical filter of judgment, right, and we all have a filter of judgment unless we’re who’s meditated under the tree for 14 years and got rid of his judgment altogether. So we have some sort of judgment, which means that we’re looking at good, bad, right, wrong, yes, no, and then we’re judging ourselves against it. And whenever you’re judging yourself against it, you’re going to be somewhere in the hierarchy. 

 

And so we will have some sort of limiting belief, but to the extent to which that hijacks us, that’s different for each individual. Okay. And you work with lots of entrepreneurs to help them identify their limiting beliefs and overcome them. 

 

So maybe can you talk us through how do you identify your limiting beliefs and what are some of the ways to overcome them? Yeah, sure. With entrepreneurs, I find that one of the most common ones is the fear of failure, right? So you’re scared that you’re not going to do good enough. You’re scared that you’re going to fail. 

That happens to be one of the most common ones for people that are doing work, because failure is to do with action. It’s to do with performance. My performance was not good enough. 

 

Whereas actually, if you look at it, right, failure does not exist outside of judgment. I can’t pick up something and say, well, this is failure. It’s intangible. 

 

Failure is a judgment of a result. And then we make that judgment mean that there’s something wrong with me. And so this would be the most common thing for entrepreneurs to put pressure on themselves to perform a certain way, to meet a certain goal, and then judging whatever result they get is not good enough. 

 

And therefore, I have failed. And how to overcome it is to kind of dismantle it, unpack it, and understand what does success and failure really mean? What is my criteria for success? What is my criteria for failure? Some people have no clue. All they know is no matter what I do, it’s just not good enough. 

 

But what would be good enough? That’s not even think about that. So they don’t even know what their real criteria is. That’s the first insight. 

 

Understand that. And secondly, now that you understand that criteria, how realistic, how pragmatic is it? You’ve just started business, for example. Is it realistic that you’re going to achieve this amount straight away? Or can we set baby steps? But the biggest thing is, can we feel good enough on the journey and not just after the result? Because if you’re in that race, it never ends. 

 

If you’re doing something to prove that you’re good enough, and let’s say you do achieve it, have you proven it for life? Like, oh, yes, now I’m good enough forever. No, you feel good. And it’s like an addiction, right? You get this high. 

 

And that high can last in the beginning. Oh, my God, it’d be a few months. It feels so good, so good. 

 

Then what? Oh, then the next goal. And then I’m striving and striving, and I’m not feeling good enough, and I’m striving, and I’m striving, and maybe I get it. Yay, another high, temporary. 

 

So people go through these temporary highs and get addicted to it, and spend most of their time in anxiety, striving towards it, and a little bit of time in the high of it. So the transition is about feeling good enough on the journey, and moving because of inspiration more than the fear of failure. Wow, okay. 

 

There’s a lot to unpack there. But the one thing that comes out for me is, what do you do? How do you help entrepreneurs get, I suppose, a more smooth ride so they’re not addicted to these hits of high, and then go back into their, you know, pits of despair as they, you know, struggle forward? What is a good result for someone who’s on this journey, and to have a more, I suppose, even keel approach to what

they’re doing? Yeah, it’s about how they feel about themselves day to day. And what are they focusing on? So the why of it is important. 

 

Why am I doing this? Am I doing it to prove? And a lot of people are. And if we unpack it, right, who are you proving this to? Most of the time, and I can’t say always, because nothing is always, most of the time, you’re proving it to your parents. And maybe that’s one of the parents who had told you that you’re not capable, or the one that you seek approval from, or maybe a teacher, or somebody that you’re proving to that, see, I can do it, I can make it. 

 

And if we’re unable to unpack that, and get the person to realize that I’m doing all of this, so I can prove to my mother, my father, my teacher, my granny, that I’m good enough, then you can understand that as the adult of today, use your wisdom of today to think, is that really what I want to do? Do I really want to spend the rest of my life proving to my parent or my grandparent, who may not even be alive, how good I am? Or can I have a different criteria for myself? And it starts by setting a different criteria of the why, why am I doing this? And that why, if it can be an inspiring reason, it changes everything. So I’m doing this to spread love, great. So we’re spreading love, and every time you are in the energy of love, you’re already successful. 

 

I’m doing this to educate. I’m doing this for a reason that brings about that passion, because most of the people who are entrepreneurs are not doing it just to pay the bills, right? You start your own business because you’re enrolled in what the business is contributing to the world. And so you get in touch with that why you understand that why you get inspired by that why, and then it can hopefully be less about the result, and more about that inspiration. 

 

And then we begin to unpack, well, why did I have that fear of failure anyway, which then takes me very often into childhood, and dealing with people’s inner children. Yeah, I love this. Okay. 

 

I mean, I love all of this. And I think you’re 100% right in that if you can fall in love with your why, then you aren’t really obsessed about the result, you really are obsessed about the journey and the impact you can have. And I think that’s a really wonderful core message for every entrepreneur to think about, and to really focus in on their, I suppose it’s like their big why, you know, their big sense of purpose into why they’re doing this business. 

 

But let’s jump into the inner child. I love this, I suppose all this work that you can do on your inner child. So talk me through it, Sonia, what is an inner child? And how can it an inner child affect you as an adult? Yeah, absolutely. 

 

So an inner child is a wounded part of you that is stuck in an event in the past and hasn’t moved forward. And how it can impact you is it can hijack you in a moment where you get triggered. So for example, let’s say someone is going networking. 

And there’s a lot of people that actually dread networking as much as it’s useful. And it’s such a beautiful thing to do, because it reminds them of something. So let’s say they go to an event. 

 

And what’s actually happening is that they see a room full of people. And those people are standing in a circle talking to each other. And suddenly, this triggers a memory of being at school, where it was my first day and everyone knew each other, but nobody knew me. 

 

And I made it mean that I’m not a part of the group. And I made it mean that I’m the outsider. And so I made that conclusion.

 

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And now there’s nothing happening, except from going to this event. But that younger version of me has taken over my body and is screaming and shouting, they don’t like you. You’re not included. 

 

You’re an outsider. And you start acting like an outsider feeling like an outsider, and you don’t act according to the wisdom of today. You’re basically hijacked with the conclusions, the unprocessed emotions, and the interpretations of the past. 

 

That is an inner child. Oh my God, I love that example so much. I mean, who hasn’t gone to a networking event and felt excluded because you’re rocking up and you don’t know anyone. 

 

And also, who doesn’t have trauma from going to school? School is so hard, so awful. As a mother of teenage kids, I’m like, oh my God, it’s the worst. So that’s such a great example. 

 

And I can ensure everyone can relate about rocking up to a networking event and just feeling awkward. And, you know, I suppose I’m comfortable and not realizing that you’re not using your adult brain to say, hey, these people would probably love to meet me because I’m, you know, I’m bubbly and I haven’t met them before. And we’re all at a networking event because everyone here wants to meet people.

 

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Like you’re not using your rational brain. You’re using your childhood brain. I love that example.

 

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It’s so such a good case study that is very easy to relate to. So we’ve realized that our inner child is taking over. What do we do? Yeah. 

 

Is it okay if I talk about two misconceptions with inner children and then I can answer that too? Well, the big misconceptions people have is number one, the word child. So people think that an inner child is like your five-year-old self or your six-year-old self. And it doesn’t have to be. 

 

It’s a version of you that’s younger than this moment. So this morning, if something happened and you were traumatized or you didn’t feel at

peace, you could have an inner child that is three hours younger than this moment. So we have many inner children of different ages. 

 

So that’s the second misconception is that some people think we have that one inner child that we need to hug to sleep every night. We can have millions of inner children. So we have as many inner children. 

 

I thought I only had to deal with one of these little base, but yes, sorry. Gosh, keep going. Happy inner children, right? So not all inner children are the ones that we need to heal.

 

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So the happy inner children are our resources. So we have resources and we have strengths. And then we have the ones that are stuck and those ones that are stuck in those events of the past. 

 

And so what I do a lot in my practice is I get people to identify their limiting beliefs which we can do very simply through just hearing a person talk. You know, when a person says about 10 sentences to me, I can often pick out like at least a couple of limiting beliefs because it quips up. It’s there either subtle or subliminally. 

 

It’s there in the background or you can do some simple peeling to just get them to complete sentences like I don’t think I can do this because or I’m really scared about this because and they’ll come up with a statement because I don’t deserve it because I may not do as well because I don’t feel capable. And so there you go. That’s your limiting belief. 

 

And then I would get them to connect to that belief and just really feed it because if you think it’s true, you’d be able to feel that somewhere in your body and somewhere in your system. And if you’re tuned in enough, you might say, Oh, yeah, it makes my heart feel heavy, or I can feel something in my stomach. And then through that, I can actually regress them back to let’s go back to the very first time that you ever concluded this you ever felt this way, then you are going to go back to a younger version of you, which is the inner child that has seen the world and made an interpretation, a false interpretation, because when we’re young, we’re egocentric, and we make everything about us. 

 

So parents are fighting. It’s my fault, right? Something is happening on the outside. There’s something wrong with me. 

 

It’s not. I’m not good enough. So I then get them to see what was happening and what interpretation they made.

 

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And the emotions that are still unprocessed, because if you make something mean it’s my fault, I’m not good enough. They don’t like me. I’m not lovable. 

I’m not wanted. It’s going to produce some emotions. And very often, we’re not taught to process our emotions. 

So it’s stuck. And your body is feeling helpless, sad, angry and everything else. And that’s why just, you know, having the wisdom is not enough. 

 

So we all have the wisdom that Oh, yeah, we’re good enough. But that doesn’t help. That’s why I have a job. 

 

And that’s why people come to therapy, because there’s more needed. And there’s more processing needed. So I help people to breathe through and to process all of those emotions that were stuck. 

 

And we use intention and breath work to release that. And once we are able to release that, we’re then able to see the same situation with the wisdom of today, and reinterpret it. And now we have space to do that, because I’m not doing it on top of anger. 

 

Like if I concluded that dad is coming home at midnight, every night, that means he doesn’t care about me. And someone says, Well, you know, he’s working hard, because he loves you. But that doesn’t change my life, makes me feel guilty, maybe. 

 

But if I get to vent out the anger, and if I get to actually validate the feeling first, then there’s space for wisdom. It’s catharsis plus wisdom. Yeah, okay. 

 

So it’s processing that emotion, and working through it, as opposed to just realizing it’s there and acknowledging it. Yes. And you’re you do you do this usually with hypnotherapy? Or is it you mentioned breath work? Is that separate to the hypnotherapy? It’s part of the theory. 

 

So yes, I do it. Hypnotherapy, a large part of the hypnotherapy I practice includes regression. So we get into the hypnotic state, which is basically an alpha or theta brainwave, where you know, you get to when you meditate, and then we regress back to where something first started, we bring up and activate the neural pathways, get the person to process whatever is unprocessed. 

 

And we do that with breath work in the hypnotic state. And then attain wisdom. And how do you obtain the wisdom? You use your adult brain from today to logically work through actually what’s what the reality of the situation is.

 

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Exactly. You’re really quick. That’s exactly what we do.

 

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We use the adult state to heal the child state. Is there I mean, I do think everyone has limiting beliefs. And I do think everyone has, I suppose, these inner children.

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But is there ever a sense where you can dig too much? Or you can go looking or creating looking for inner children that you potentially don’t need to go looking for? Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah, it does. And that itself is an issue. And there will be a limiting belief behind that issue. 

 

And that limiting belief could be that, you know, it can’t be so easy. That’s a limiting belief, right? Life has been difficult. That’s a limiting belief. 

 

And so that will then influence this type of behavior where people start looking and digging and making things more complicated than they need to be. I have actually heard that one. And you know, that life can’t be this easy. 

 

Or, you know, I think someone told me once that they had, you know, that if they were successful and wealthy, then wealthy people were not nice people. So they didn’t want to be a wealthy person. You know, it’s really interesting. 

 

It’s really interesting what you can get locked into your, it’s really locked into, I suppose, your value system and your DNA at a very young age. And they become truths, right? But then, but they’re not so interesting. Absolutely. 

 

And you know, from what you shared about the wealthy piece, something that also influences that is the family loyalty syndrome. So we can be so loyal to family dysfunctions, right? And let’s say the family has not grown up with much money. And so that is the homeostasis, that’s the normalcy of the family. 

 

And then you grow up and you earn money and you feel so guilty about it, because now you’re not being loyal. And especially if the brothers and sisters and the parents are still the same way, but you are successful. Gosh, people can feel so bad about that. 

 

And then start sabotaging themselves so that they match at least in their feeling and in their lifestyle, they match what they’ve grown up with. Sonia, I didn’t want this to turn into a personal coaching session. No, I’m kidding. 

 

I’m kidding. You’re just speaking so many truths. It’s so amazing. 

 

What a privilege to do this work. And I just can’t imagine what a great impact you would have on the people that come to see you for this help, because it is so powerful. And I always love to share my limiting beliefs just to help people realize that, well, one, you know, that I suppose even successful people have limiting beliefs. 

 

The one I often share is I started Honeycombers completely anonymously, because I thought, who was I, a foreigner, like an Australian girl who lived in Singapore for a year and a half? Who was I to be able to write a guide to Singapore? Now I don’t have that limiting belief. And I’m happily the owner of guides to places that I’ve never lived. But, you know, it’s very interesting. 

So for me, how that manifested is I sent out emails about my business and my website and my newsletters to friends without even signing off that it was me. And like, totally illegal now, because it’s spamming, right? But ridiculous to think I would do that. But classic limiting belief, right? Yeah, there’s so many there’s so many. 

 

So I think I’ve worked through all my limiting beliefs. But how do you keep your radar up for limiting beliefs? How do you keep in check? Is this true? Or is this a limiting belief by actually being in check of your emotional state. So it’s normal to feel for primary emotions, right, which is happy, sad, scared and angry. 

 

That that’s absolutely normal. If you’re an animal, you’ll feel it. When you come out of your mother’s womb, you’re going to feel it.

 

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And all of that is to do with survival. If there are other emotions like frustration, embarrassment, jealousy, and anything that is not those four primary emotions, that is usually the result of a limiting belief. And if you are in check of your emotions, and you are living consciously living aware, and you are not at peace, and you’re not processing those emotions, that means you feel stuck, then it’s useful to understand what’s behind it.

 

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Wouldn’t things scared potentially be linked to a limiting belief as well? Depends on what we’re scared of. Like say if we are walking on the window ledge, then it’s useful to be scared. And that’s about survival. 

 

But if it is about speaking with authority, then that itself is a limiting belief. So yes, you’re right. And all of these, once we add judgment to it, they can also limit us. 

 

But if it’s to do with survival, then those four things are very normal. And we tend to judge, we tend to judge, don’t be sad, don’t be angry, don’t be scared. But in certain situations, if we use them well, it’s actually really useful, right? So it’s useful to be scared when something is life threatening, not any other context, it’s useful to be angry when someone is violating your boundaries. 

 

And you can be assertive. And that’s the healthiest form of anger. And it’s useful to be sad, when you experience loss, so you can process the loss and then claim back your missing parts and feel more whole again. 

 

So we tend to judge those, those are actually keeping us intact. And if we’re using those emotions for any other reasons, then yes, that could be limiting to so interesting. So your advice is to really, I suppose, it’s really about connecting with yourself and having that space and time to question your emotions, right? Which comes through meditation, journaling, and even just quiet thinking, right? Absolutely. 

 

Yeah. And one thing that I encourage all of my clients and my students to do is to do a daily review every night before they go to bed, and

then review your entire day from when you woke up in the morning to when you’re sleeping, what happened? And this is good for a few reasons. Number one, it closes the open files, like background apps, right? So if you’re trying to sleep, all the background apps are open, the quality of your sleep is going to be impacted. 

 

So if you’re kind of doing that daily review, and you go, okay, well, I have this conversation with my spouse in the morning close, then I had breakfast and close, and then I had this meeting close. So you’re closing those files. And then you’re checking in that even if the file is closed, am I still feeling something? Is it still because the event is over, but I’m still angry, or the event is over, but I’m still worried or sad, then you know that there’s something more. 

 

And that process of closing the tabs. Another great analogy, Sonia, I can tell you’ve taught people this, right? These analogies are really good. But closing those tabs. 

And do you recommend doing that through a journaling session at the end of the day? Journaling or visualization? Both are great. Okay. And so what’s your visualization technique? Like, how do you visualize closing these tabs? I’ll ask the person, I’m like, what do you think closing looks like for you? For someone, it would be putting it into a drawer and shutting the drawer. 

For another person, it’s like books. For somebody else, it’s literally the apps on the phone that they swipe up. And so I would ask them to give me their metaphor. 

So you tell me what that looks like for you, and let’s use it. Oh, it’s a great analogy. Sonia, this has been a real blast and so valuable. 

Thank you so much. How can people connect with you? Oh, Instagram, Facebook, or my website. So my Instagram handle is Sonia Samtani underscore. 

My website is Sonia Samtani.com. My company name is all about you. So message me on any of my handles, come to the Facebook, YouTube channel, if you want to listen to little bits of wisdom, that would all be really great. And I hope that I could add some value. 

Oh, you will definitely add value. I’m going to go check you out on YouTube now. And I look forward to seeing you in Hong Kong next week. 

Sonia, it’s been a delight. And so I’m feeling very supercharged with all this new information about my inner children. The only bad news from this chat I’ve had with you today is I only thought I had one I had to master. 

So that is the only sad news for me, but everything else has been so valuable. So thank you so much, Sonia. It’s been an absolute pleasure.

 

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Oh, that was such a great conversation with Sonia. Three big takeaways for me. Firstly, I suppose a big one is that we don’t have one inner child, that we have multiple inner children. 

So there’s actually a lot of work that we need to do to recognize these voices or these versions of ourselves that hold us back. I thought her example about networking was just an excellent example because who has not walked into a room full at a networking event and felt super uncomfortable for no particular reason. So that was a really powerful thing to remember, to really look into your emotional state and think about why am I feeling this way? Another big one I thought that was really powerful was how we need to focus on why we’re doing something as opposed to the outcome and focusing on the why means that you will enjoy the journey so much more. 

And the last one I really liked was really checking in daily at the end of the day about how you feel about everything that happened that day and closing down the tabs or closing the chapters of everything that went on and really feeling into it, taking a moment every day to feel into your emotions, to see if there’s something lingering there that you need to deal with. Just so much goodness. I’m totally hooked on chatting to Sonia and I don’t know about you, but I am going to be looking her up and getting more of this, I suppose wisdom into my world. 

 

I just think all of us have so much work to do to become the best versions of ourselves so that we can all create good businesses. Thanks for listening.